Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
