just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
