Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
