in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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