whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
mondays should just be called national damage control day
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dick very happy bro
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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