It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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