That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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