I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
