well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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