I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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