oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
