how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
