Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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