the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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