Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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