I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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