Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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