So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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