My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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