I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
