My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
