Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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