is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
