Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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