I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
