I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
