I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
