Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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