A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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