I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Randomize
