We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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