If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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