Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
