I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He? As in you personified your dick?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
