Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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