Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
