I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
