I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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