i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
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