don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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