you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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