I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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