Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
