Will you blow on my dice?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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