1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
actually, I'm a sock model
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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