My friends, they love my intelligence
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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