Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
me + whiskey = a bad person
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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