Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sober January is a disaster.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
