His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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