Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
